This blog is very therapeutic. This is only the third I have published, but I have several that are sitting in a folder that I self-censored from the rest of the God-fearing internet that have at least acted as an outlet of aggression. That being said, it is also calming to rage about the things that send you to the edge in a public forum for anyone on the planet to notice.
Here are a few of the things that have filled me with rage; I should also mention that I also can't stand fans of the bands on this list in addition to the bands themselves. Here goes (in no particular order)...
Cats (the animal and the musical), the movie "Vanilla Sky", Snuggies, anything that is broken that I am trying to use right then, Death Cab for Cutie, stupid people and people with no ambition, slow drivers in the left lane, Texas beer prices, the fuckers that stole my guitar, Nickelback and Kid Rock, the BP oil spill, the Kardashians, dogs dressed in people clothes, Glenn Beck, when my GPS drives me in circles, terrorists, Jane Austen novels, Ben Stiller movies, Noel Gallagher, traffic (the jam, not the band), the police (the law enforcement, not the band), Rush (the band, not the frat event, although come to think of it...), the stars on the background of this page that sometimes make the text hard to read, radio DJs that think I want to hear about how much they party, overly-judgmental Christians, radishes, bad grammar, the Auburn Tigers and Duke Blue Devils, video games, Rachel Ray, AT&T, the attitude of Californians towards people who smoke, pop-up ads, stupid people (this one needs two mentions), red lights, orange-skinned tanning booth sluts, Yellow (the Coldplay song, not the color), the greenhouse effect, blue balls, the Indigo Girls, and Violet (the bitch from "Willie Wonka")
Don't think I am a pessimistic douche; I like stuff also (dogs not dressed up in people clothes, hollandaise sauce, music, sex). It is completely normal to be pissed off (remember the bumper sticker: "If you're not completely enraged, then you're not paying attention"? Well I do, and I am). To illustrate this, I will also include here some notable examples of normal raging, and good rants that I have heard in my day. What follows is pretty obscene, so if you don't think you can handle it, please stop reading.
"I will never forgive your ass for this shit. This is some fucked-up repugnant shit... You ready to blow? Well, I'm a mushroom cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain, I'm Super Fly TNT; I'm the Guns of Navarone! In fact, what the fuck am I doin' in the back? You the motherfucker should be on brain detail! We fuckin' switchin'. I'm washin' windows, and you pickin' up this dead nigga's skull!"
- Samuel L. Jackson's character, Jules, in "Pulp Fiction"
"VIRGIN MOBILE IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER BAG OF WANK!!!!!!!! THE SOONER MY FUCKING CONTRACT IS OVER THE FUCKING BETTER!!!!! IT'S ALL ABOUT AS HELPFUL AND USEFUL AS A BASTARD CHOCOLATE GOD TEAPOT!!!!!"
- Frances' (from England, obviously) Facebook update
As you can see, throwing in some random words that don't make sense in American English makes this rant particularly awesome, as well as effective in unleashing verbal aggression.
"All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then all you motherfucks are next."
- Jay, from the Miramax film "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"
Imagery makes this outburst especially vivid. You can practically see the Miramax fucks eating their own shit.
"...we’re going to bomb them back into the Stone Age. And we would shove them back into the Stone Age with Air power or Naval power"
- Gen. Curtis LeMay
"Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves."
- Matthew 21:12, New International Version
Actions speak louder than words, so when the chosen messiah trashes his dad's house in the midst of what would to the rest of us be a mid-life crisis (he, a carpenter, wrought havoc on unsuspecting tables and chairs as well as freaking out the animal that symbolizes peace), it impresses upon us a much greater sense of importance than even threats of mass destruction from a decorated military commander.
That's all for now. I can already feel my fists unclenching and my eyes beginning to uncross... So long!
No comments:
Post a Comment